Sanyas

Sometimes I feel like I have done everything there was to do. That there is nothing left to be done anymore that could engage my heart mind and soul for the rest of my life. I wonder if anything remains that will consume my soul enough to sustain my life. For, I cannot bear the idea of just existing and waiting in boredom for death. Am at the odd place where I am contemplating giving up many things. I want to be wrapped up in a layer of nothingness and remain that way - just barely conscious of my life. Maybe it is Sanyaas I want. To give up all worldly desires and pleasures. Actually it would not really be much of a 'giving up' of desires - it is simply that desires have ceased to arise inside me. Give up worldly pleasures? Most objects that mean a lot to most people already mean nothing to me ... but the simple stuff - will I be able give up the vada-pavs of Bombay and survive on a just a fistful of rice everyday?  Will I be able to survive without a mattress and a blanket? Or on 3 sets of clothes? Will I be able to control my desire for conversation? Without books or television? And without the internet and phones? With just my thoughts to keep me company? I have no desire left to travel. Or to go out seeking adventure. I have no desire to sleep. Or to engage in stimulating experiences. Or to feast. Maybe it is just a passing moment. Maybe it is just PMS. Or maybe it is some inner longing. But I do wish to experiment with Sanyas and attempt it in all earnestness. As earnestly as I pursued every passion in my life. Maybe with this I will be able to still my soul as Krishna tells Arjun to - to control it so that it becomes like the flame of a lamp in a windless room.  That stillness is as attractive as it is hard to attain. Will try it anyway. For a day. For 3 days. For a week. Forever. In one small aspect of life and then another and then another ... in small steps. Until I am at that destination. Attached to no one. Connected to nothing. Passionate about nothing. No 'Moh' and no 'maya'. At peace in my world of Sanyaas. jm July 2012   p.s. June 2013 .... obviously I was not successful as I continue t enjoy the hedonistic pleasures of life :)


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